Making Sense of the Movements of Our Hearts

 

In the years since law school, I have learnt a lot more about making life choices. The spirituality of Saint Ignatius of Loyola has been a special treasure trove in that regard. Ignatius lived in the 1400-1500’s and founded an order of male Catholic religious commonly called the “Jesuits” (from whence hails Pope Francis). He is particularly known for developing a set of “Spiritual Exercises” that develops one’s relationship with the divine and helps one to make life choices. (Nowadays, the full Exercises are usually made in a silent directed retreat that lasts for a month, but it can also be adapted in different ways.) Within these exercises, he sets out a list of very practical “rules for discernment”.

I first became acquainted with these “rules” around the time when I first felt an inexplicable desire to become a nun. Faced with a desire that I couldn’t really comprehend and that wouldn’t go away, I was determined to make a proper discernment on whether this was really the path for me. Armed with a copy of James Martin S.J.’s hilarious and insightful “The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything”, I set about applying the various steps in the proper order, expecting that these rules were like a machine which, after I’d insert the proper inputs, would churn out the desired answer!

Thankfully, the Jesuit who started accompanying me at that point in my spiritual journey soon helped me to realise that discernment is not a quick or magic process. A huge part of it is becoming aware of what Ignatius would call the various “movements” in our hearts. Perhaps Ignatius’ own story can better illustrate what this means.

Ignatius of Loyola. (Source)

In his youth in the Basque region of Spain, Ignatius was a soldier concerned only with things like his fighting prowess, and looking good so that he could charm the ladies. One day, however, in the course of a battle he was struck in the leg by a canon ball, which necessitated a long period of recovery as his broken leg was set and then re-set (all without anaesthetics!). As he recuperated in bed in his family’s home, he asked for something to read… but instead of the romances he was partial to, he was given the only books in the house: “The Life of Christ” and a book on the lives of the saints. Since there was nothing else he could do, he read them. Then he spent the rest of his time having daydreams, in which he was alternately: (1) doing daring knightly feats and drawing the attention of a lady he very much admired; and (2) emulating the saints in fasting and doing great things for God.

After a while (and this is where things change for him), he realised that these two types of daydreams left him with different feelings. While both of them excited him when he was imagining them, after letting go of his images of the first, he was left with a dry, dissatisfied feeling. After the images of the second dissolved, though, he was left feeling revitalised and peaceful. From this he realised that our hearts are continually pulled in different directions (between what is life-giving for us and what is not), and that our feelings can tell us where we are being drawn!

In modern terms, our feelings are indicators of where we are living out of our true center, and where we are not. Generally, feelings of deep peace and gratitude (what Ignatius would call “consolation”) indicate where we are living true to ourselves. We can feel this sometimes even in times of grief, when we may feel sad and yet a deeper sense of peace, or closeness to the divine. In contrast, feelings of anxiety and despair usually point us to where we are driven and “off-center” – acting perhaps out of fear, compulsion or unrealistic expectations (whether our own or those of others).

The first task in developing the skill of discernment, then, is to become aware of our different feelings and moods, from which we can then start to identify from our lived experiences what is life-giving for us and what is not, and make decisions that allow us to live more fully. Easy-peasy, right? When I first started learning this, and talked to my Jesuit companion each month about what was happening in my life, he would ask me about how I felt when something happened, or what happened to cause my changing moods. Often finding myself without an answer, I became acutely aware how UN-aware I was of what was happening within me!

If you would like to get more in touch with your inner movements, one simple spiritual practice Ignatius recommends is the daily “Examen”. This isn’t a traditional “examination of conscience” where one reviews what one has done “wrong” or “right”, but more an “examination of consciousness”. The steps are simple:

1. After coming to quiet and stillness, we look back at the last day, identifying the significant emotions and experiences that have coloured it. 
2. Where have we felt at peace and connected with ourselves and life around us? 
3. Where have we felt anxiety and disconnection with ourselves and the world around us? 
4. What do these tell us about what is life-giving for us and what is not? 
5. We give thanks for all our experiences and insights.

Armed with the better self-knowledge that comes from regular reflection, we are then in a better space to make life-giving decisions.

Happy examen-ing!

Food for thought:
How aware am I of my feelings and the “movements of my heart”?
What spiritual practices have helped / can help me in being more in tune with my “center”?