A Call to Authentic Living

"Humility" is a much-prized Christian virtue (though perhaps somewhat less practiced!). So I remember being surprised when once I mentioned this in a conversation with a friend who was not a Christian and he was puzzled. "Is humility a good thing?" he asked. "Isn't it better to be proud?"

When Afra sent me the reflection posted here on Thursday, then, I was curious and asked her what "humility" meant to her. "It is not thinking less about myself," she said (quoting), "but thinking about myself less. It also means that God's love is enough. My life is for God and others."

Another explanation someone else insightfully gave me once was that: "Humility is accepting the truth about yourself".

So, understood in this way humility isn't about having low self-esteem, or putting ourselves down, or letting ourselves be walked over like doormats -- which would NOT be a virtue! Rather, it has something to do with accepting ourselves as we are in both our beauty and imperfection, knowing that God's love is enough for us, and thus being free to give generously to others without constantly trying to make up for our own insecurities.

This is easier said than done, I think! There seems to be something deep in each of us that wants to deny our flaws and imperfections, and to be someone we are not. You only have to look at the daily newspapers to see the cover-ups, nonsense and bald-faced lies that result from this.

I can think of such incidents in my own life too, of hiding things or presenting a mask. The first week I arrived in the convent as a postulant, I was determined to present my best face to the new people I was now living and working with. Little did I expect the bewilderment and loneliness I felt. It was a huge task to keep on the mask of professionalism and "being okay" that I wanted to project.

Then, at the end of the week I had a meeting with the person who was accompanying me at the time, to talk about how I was doing. She chose a prayer to start with, which happened to be the shortest psalm (poem) in the Christian scriptures - and on the topic of humility. It goes:

O Lord, my heart is not proud
Nor haughty my eyes
I have not gone after things too great
Nor marvels beyond me

Truly I have set my soul
In silence and peace
At rest as a child in its mother's arms
So is my soul.

(Psalm 131)

Even before we finished reading the psalm, my carefully-maintained mask crumpled... I realised that the brave front I had been trying to put on couldn't be farther from the truth of how I was at that moment, and that so much of the anxiety of the past week had come of trying to be the smooth, polished, well-adapted person I was not in those new circumstances. That I had been "going after things too great and marvels beyond me" - which made true peace and rest elusive.

Thankfully, showing my vulnerability then helped both me and the people accompanying me to make decisions that were more helpful and truthful in that situation. It was also the start of building more honest relationships.

Despite that experience, showing my vulnerability is still a struggle for me nowadays. I am still learning to say: "I need you", "please help me", "thank you", "I'm sorry".

There is an interesting prayer exercise that Saint Ignatius introduces in his Spiritual Exercises (which I mentioned before here), called the "Two Standards". In it, we are asked to imagine two opposing armies - the armies of light and of darkness.

The leader of the army of darkness is the devil, and he gathers all his soldiers on a burnt and desolate field (Lord of the Rings fans, imagine Mordor and the orcs!). He sends his soldiers to enslave the people of the world under his rule, and this is the strategy they will use: first to entice people towards riches, which brings them honour, which leads to pride -- and opens the door to all the other vices. 

On another, sunlit field, the leader of the forces of light (Jesus, in Ignatius' version) has also gathered his followers (imagine Gandalf and the Elves, etc.). He is sending them out to bring all people under the reign of the light, and this is the strategy they will use: first, to encourage people to take on poverty (spiritual and actual), which brings them insults and contempt, and leads to humility -- opening the door to all the other virtues. 

If you find this rather counter-intuitive, you're in good company! It is surprising though that this paradox of letting go of riches and honour (and resulting pride) seems to be the teaching of so many religions and spiritual paths.

For me it was easy to understand the rationale behind the call to poverty (as helping us to be detached from the constant need to accumulate things), but for a long time the idea that insults and contempt are a good thing still eluded me. I was bemused then to read recently that Richard Rohr, a well-known writer on spirituality, tells holy people who come to him to pray for a good humiliation every day, and watch out for how they react. According to him, this is necessary in order to grow in the spiritual life, and know that one is genuinely seeking God and not oneself!

I can understand more now that the inevitable humiliations that come our way on our life’s journey are helps to realising that our identity and value are in God alone. They are invitations to more authentic living, knowing that we are loved and precious as we are, without the need to depend on the external signs of human respect. I wish I could say I welcome its presence in my life's journey - but I haven't got there yet! I am still inclined to ask: "God make me humble - but let the process not be too painful!"